its like a boy asking a girl to dance.

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know hod God feels."

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.
because love is risky for God too.

F E A R
its powerful.

we are almost controlled by our fears.

fear of taking a chance.
fear of risking.
fear of loosing.
fear of rejection.
fear of getting hurt.

"Love is giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation."

That means that you are not in control. You are giving them the control. Surrendering th desire to control them. It means trusting them.

What about healing? You have to go through it, you have to sift through the memories, the conversations, the sadness, the failure and misunderstanding. You must acknowledge them before you can heal.

What if you decide it isn't worth it, that the pain is too much, too much to handle. So you put up a wall around your heart. A wall that keeps everyone at a distance, including God, essentially.
But a decision to not risk again, is a decision to not love again.

"If she decides to love him, she runs the huge risk that she might have her heart broken.”

Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers.
This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. We expose ourselves, we let them in. But the greater the risk, the more it hurts.

which is why love is risky.
which is a bit like a boy asking a girl to dance.

most of this comes from Rob Bell, by the way.

David, a man after God's heart

God judges by faith and character, not appearances like we do. Only God can see the inside, only He can accurately judge people.

I think back on this because last night at the grocery store the cashier was complaining about his girlfriend, and how "high maintenance" she is. I replied with I'm sorry, I'm glad i don't worry about it too much. But then he says to me, "You look like you are high maintenance." I was offended. Here he was complaining about how long hi girlfriend takes to get ready, how much products she uses in her hair, and how if her clothes aren't name brand she won't wear them. That is the total opposite of myself. At the time I was wearing jeans and a white v neck. My hair was in a messy bun, and I was wearing minimal make-up. This boy doesn't know me, he sees my appearance and then throws out an accusation.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)

Some people spend countless amounts of hours and time on there outward appearance. We should do even more to develop our inner character. Everyone can see your face, but only God can see your heart, and what it really looks like.

i am after HIS heart. and HIS desire for me.

mark my words

words are probably the most powerful thing we have.

we can use them and abuse them.
you can brighten someones day with a few simple words.
you can tear apart someones world with a few other words.

the English language is something that is difficult to learn, but once you have it is like a weapon, almost. We say things, and they might come out wrong, or we might say the right thing, but in the English language one word may have multiple meanings.

Words are powerful, in every way you use them, or even if you don't.



Think of the vicious rumors going around.

mere words.

think of the sweetest song you have heard.

mere words.

think of your loved ones saying i love you.

mere words.

of course these are all packed with emotions.
many, many emotions.

be careful with the breath you are given.

We are blessed with a tool, a remarkable tool to communicate with others.
Lets use it in the right way.
Lets use our words wisely.
Lets change the world with our words.

love is all we need...?

One of the things i find hard to understand is the fact that we all need to be needed. No matter who we are or what we have done. We all have wants and needs that need to be filled by someone, a companion with love.

C.S. Lewis said, "If He in Himself can lack nothing, but chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed."

If He requires love, then how much more love will we require? But with love there are problems. It's hard. Love may be the answer, but its not an easy answer. Try loving the next person who cuts you off in traffic. Try loving the person who spreads rumors about you. Try loving the person who ends everything with you, with no warning, no desire to see you again. Try loving the one who breaks your heart.

Love is all over the Bible. In John 15:13 Jesus says, "There is no greater love than the love of one who lays down his life for his friends."

just love everyone.

seeking my silence

Mike Yaconelli once wrote:
"A clearing is a place of shelter, peace, rest, safety, quiet and healing. It is a place where you get your bearings, re-group inspect the damage, fill out the estimate and make the repairs. Its the place where the mid-course corrections are made, where you can change course, or even start over. A clearing is a place where you can see what you couldn't see and hear what you couldn't hear.
clearings are not optional. They are longings in disguise. They are required rest stops of life when our exhausted souls run out of steam. A clearing is the only place left to go when the madness of our lives has left our souls, dying, hungering, gasping for oxygen, and nourishment. If we don't seek the clearings, then we will be brought to them forcibly in form of a heart attack, illness, break down, anxiety attack, depression or loneliness. I am beginning to believe that life is not a search for existence, but rather a search for a few clearings in the midst of the jungle."

In silence, i realized that a clearing was just what i needed. As much as I wanted to run from it, I realized that Mr. Yaconelli was right, a clearing is not optional, if i hadn't found it, it would have found me.

So what did I learn from my time of silence?

1.) Things i can't express.
2.) Things I can't put into words.
3.) Things that feel a lot like healing.

i felt God's love.

too much noise

the TV is almost always on, not for an actual show but for background noise.

in the car i turn up my radio.

phones ringing, beeping. constant noise.

my world is filled with noise.
never silence.

there are few moments in my day with silence. why is that?
i don't like it.

i have become aware of this, and done little to find more quiet time.

i'm selfish.

Dry tears

I sometimes wonder if I feel sad for no reason other than i like feeling sad. (sick, right?) I wonder if my sadness has become a part of me, a weight that would feel strange to no longer carry.

I have things to legitimately be sad about, but what about healing? What about closure? What about the idea healing should happen, and will happen? But I first have to let it happen. Maybe I'm just not ready to let go, maybe I'm just not ready to begin living and feeling and breathing like everyone else. I think I'll recover, i think I'm starting to, but perhaps not as quickly as I would like. I wonder if i have unknowingly slowed the healing process.

I have been happy the past couple of days. honestly happy. but then when i realize I'm giggling, or smiling or feeling joyful again, this part of me, this deep feeling stops me. It tries to convince me that I can' be happy, that i SHOULDN'T be happy.

Ironically the one person who brought the sad feelings is also bringing the happy feelings to me in the past few days.

I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have so many feelings. so many secret hopes.
but that little feeling overshadows them.
it makes me feel that i can't have what i want.
that i can't and won't be happy.
when i really know i should be listening to my heart, and to God not that stupid feeling of sadness.

horrid, i know.



"I've been dreaming, I've been beaming and i wish i knew if you were too.
Maybe i don't know 100% what you think about us, so i just speculate.
I'd be the first one to admit it again out loud, if only i knew what you'd say.
I've been hinting, I've been tip towing around the line, but its hard to read your mind.
Are you feeling the sunshine inside? "
-andrea hamilton

patience is a virtue

I sent it off.
Gathered it all up.
I got to pray with a few people before I sent it off, it was awesome.

and now i wait.

patience has never been a strong point, although others have said i am more patient than they are.

anticipation!
they said 2-6 weeks.
that's like forever. (moment of being dramatic)
I'll be living by my mailbox. (another moment of being dramatic)

To think this envelope, essentially an envelope full of me, is the deciding factor in my future.
But wait, is my hope inside a manila envelope? No.
Is my hope in the admissions counselors? No.
My hope is and will remain in God. For He knows what is inside that envelope and He knows where my path leads, weather it be Calvary Chapel Bible College, or a completely different school.

and you know what? I'm perfectly fine with letting Him take the reigns and directing my path, because He is perfect, and so are His ways.

Thank you Jesus, for my perfectly planned future. I might not understand it, but i know YOU are in control.

Here is hoping for a speedy response!

"and the greatest of these commandments is love."

i could hate you, but why?
i don't have to defend you but i do.
i could be bitter, but i choose not to.

because of love.
not because i love you, but because i was taught to love no matter what.

you hurt me, deeply.
and you know.

but i still showed you love.
and i will keep showing you love, for as long as i can.



"you only get what you give away, so give love."

Jesus in the flesh

"The man looked out of his mind, drunk, half-awake, brain dead, slumped over. His face and clothes were covered in dirt and mud. He stunk. And this woman, this kind woman, held him, mourned for him, loved him."

Jesus with skin on.

That is how i must look to others. I'm dirty, smelly, half-awake, brain-dead. There is really nothing lovable about me. But Jesus sees something entirely different. He sees me for who I am. His child.

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own." - U2

"Its you when i look in the mirror.
and its you that makes it hard to let go.
Sometimes you can't make it on your own.
Sometimes you can't make it.
The best you can do is to fake it.
Sometimes you can't make it on your own."

i love you even now, even though we fell apart.

i love jesus

not the cheesy photo of Him with odd hair, and open arms.

I love the Jesus in the scriptures.
The Jesus who leaves you wondering.
The Jesus who loves unconditionally.
The Jesus who served others.
The Jesus who loves sinners.

That is the Jesus I love.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
(Matthew 11:28-30)

if you would come back home

there's room between today and the last time that i saw you.
the pictures in my brain will fade until i loose you.

if you would come back home, we could start all over.
if you would come back home, i swear it would be better.

i could fix you lunch,
or take you out for coffee.
if you would come back home.

call the surgeon.
mend the pieces.

better off

When I hear people tell me "You are better off."
Well, I've lost a part of myself. Part of me has practically died. I will never be the same, and I will always have to deal with that. But i guess i am happier in some ways, on some levels. I suppose I am more at peace with my own faults and imperfections now.

But still, no matter who is here with me I feel like I need to talk to the one person I never will.

I don't want the subject babied. I'm ok, and will be ok. I don't need a pity party.
However, I do need respect.

The easy way out

I now know Jesus felt the same way I did. He was tempted to take the easy road over the one that led to death. In Matthew Jesus says, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will."
Matthew 26:39

If Jesus wanted to avoid pain, shouldn't I feel the same thing? But look at how he handled it...
"not as I will, but as you will."

intense.

My judgment is clouded because I still have so much pain to work through. Pain that only I can face. With no other human.

Faith

Faith is the ultimate mystery, a journey with many starts; a journey that never ends, even when we're ready for it to be over.

Standing above all my problems, all of our problems high above a world of sinners and pain; God with us. He is so much greater than us, and His ways are so much higher than our ways. But He was one of us. He walked among us. He loved unlike anyone has ever loved before.

geez, He is amazing...

its beautiful. its captivating. its perfect.

mixed emotions

I wrestle with God thinking there must be an easier way. I realize there isn't another way. God is unreasonable. I mean come on, Jesus dying is unreasonable.

I don't know why i try to understand. Or try to rationalize everything or seek every answer. They will never ALL come.

I just need to sacrifice my will daily, in order to find God's will.

"Whoever wants to save his life will loose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
(Matthew 16:25)

I'm nothing without you, my saving love.

The Jesus life was best expressed on a wooden cross.
nails. blood. death. love. forgiveness. sacrifice.
The Jesus life is about going out into the world and taking up our cross as Jesus did and as He commanded us to do.

With that we must remember "He was pierced for our transgressions, and by His wounds we are healed." I can testify to the realness of being healed by the wounds of Jesus.

Because I am human, i will become weak again. Like now, and I will need to return to the cross, to the sacrifice. Everyday I am called to take up my cross, to become humble, to love my enemies as Jesus did.

This pain, it to shall pass. Is is weird to think this pain is beautiful because I was in some sense participating in the sufferings of Jesus?

"I fall into you, i''m weak crying out from my heart. take all of me. I'm nothing without you, my saving love.

Psalm 90

How much does a single life affect another single life?

We all have private pains, private hurts that will never fully heal.

I'm tired, not just physically tired, but emotionally tired and very tired of being alone.

"You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence."
Psalm 90:8

The end- the day i was left gasping for breath, the day I realized that if you pray enough and try hard enough and become "spiritual" enough, you still may not get what you want - or even what you think God wants.

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we my sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble."
Psalm 90:14-15

i need a miracle

The greatest miracle of all happened three days after the officials proclaimed Jesus dead. His followers found His tomb empty. They soon learned that Jesus had begun His new life. His eternal life. Jesus created new life out of dead things. out of a dead life.

As sad as graveyards seem, sometimes they're not the end; sometimes they're the beginning of something else.

what will come out of my "graveyard"?

Hopefully something that looks less like me and more like Jesus. Hopefully something that resembles a miracle.

a heart that hurts is a heart that beats - U2

What would be the end? Our relationship seems to go on and on, no matter what I do. Were always coming back no matter how many months pass, no matter what changes in our lives. but its not the same. feelings have changed.

He is still a part of me, and I am still a part of him. The hardest thing is hearing someone say, "I don't think you will ever get over it."

Perhaps I might feel more finality if there was a gravestone marking the death of my relationship with him. But all that marks the end now are memories. sad memories. there is nothing tangible, nothing that i can kneel by and mourn over....

"Here is the place we put to rest our pain, our sadness, our happiness, our love; we mark is as dead. Here is this place we kneel and cry. Here we have a monument to our relationship. That is all that we have."

but now we remain as two.

a trip to costa mesa

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right things are the same"

twenty one

that right. i am now 21 years of age.

i am the birthday girl!

today has been delightful...

i woke up to my best friend and  we made an adventure to scottys donuts. 

enjoyed lunch with my parents. 

and tonights party shall be grand. 

oh i am blessed,  i am blessed. 

"oh for you i sing i dance, i rejoice in this divine romance. lift my heart and my hands to show my love. "

...with or without you.

i can't stop smiling.

and i feel so full of joy.

i missed feeling like this.

thank you Lord. thank you so much!



but its a bitter sweet feeling, it really is.
why must i want what i can't have?
i must remember "....Yet not as I will, but as you will, Lord." - Matt. 26:39.

He is strongest on my weak days.

it sucks waking up thinking about someone. someone who isn't there. 

heart break sucks, big time.

its nice going to God though. i pray that instead of waking up thinking about him, i would wake up with a fat smile praising God! thats what i want. realllllllly bad.

it happens most days. but those other days hurt, i suppose that is just another way to go to God. To seek Him. This whole situation sure has drawn me nearer to Him. the worst situation (to me) is the best for Him, and that is all that matters. 

last night made me feel guilty. i need to make my escape again. its too much. he is too much.

i voted.
i feel good about it too.
go McCain.
woot woot.




Celebrating birthday week! yeyeyeeeee (:

reality check

so sadness really is all around.

i didn't realize how much pain there was in the world.

it makes me so grateful i have the love of God. Who comforts me when i'm sad and loves me unconditionally.


"it was then that i started to wake up in the morning asking the Lord what he had planned for me, because I knew there was more and that He had a bigger with more than i could imagine."

dear danielle,

things aren't always as they seem.

just sad

Jasper, my dog, died last night.
she drowned.
we've had her since i was 5 years old.
my whole family was upset.
my mom couldn't stop crying.

give me a reason to smile. anyone.
im tired of being depressed, sad and hurt.

give me a reason to smile.