Dry tears

I sometimes wonder if I feel sad for no reason other than i like feeling sad. (sick, right?) I wonder if my sadness has become a part of me, a weight that would feel strange to no longer carry.

I have things to legitimately be sad about, but what about healing? What about closure? What about the idea healing should happen, and will happen? But I first have to let it happen. Maybe I'm just not ready to let go, maybe I'm just not ready to begin living and feeling and breathing like everyone else. I think I'll recover, i think I'm starting to, but perhaps not as quickly as I would like. I wonder if i have unknowingly slowed the healing process.

I have been happy the past couple of days. honestly happy. but then when i realize I'm giggling, or smiling or feeling joyful again, this part of me, this deep feeling stops me. It tries to convince me that I can' be happy, that i SHOULDN'T be happy.

Ironically the one person who brought the sad feelings is also bringing the happy feelings to me in the past few days.

I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have so many feelings. so many secret hopes.
but that little feeling overshadows them.
it makes me feel that i can't have what i want.
that i can't and won't be happy.
when i really know i should be listening to my heart, and to God not that stupid feeling of sadness.

horrid, i know.



"I've been dreaming, I've been beaming and i wish i knew if you were too.
Maybe i don't know 100% what you think about us, so i just speculate.
I'd be the first one to admit it again out loud, if only i knew what you'd say.
I've been hinting, I've been tip towing around the line, but its hard to read your mind.
Are you feeling the sunshine inside? "
-andrea hamilton