i have spent a lot of my summer with these two lovely ladies....

loving every minute of it!

So much to do to set my heart right.
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready.
Oh but if i take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.
I am in repair.

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready.
Oh but if i take my heart's advice.
I should assume it's still unsteady.
Oh i'm never really ready, yeah, oh, i'm never really ready.
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there.

i feel like im going backwards.

I went to a funeral today.
it was incredibly sad.
i'm very thankful for my family.
how much love we have for one another.
even through so much and after all the things that have happened.

im blessed with an incredible family.

"the key is how to bounce back."

i'm keeping it together.

not letting it fall apart.

sometimes i can't keep it together.
i have to let it all fall apart.

i want to restore the joy in my heart.
i want to restore the happiness in my soul.
i want to take away the pain in my chest.

but i miss you, even now.

break my heart for what breaks yours.

The Irony of Love: The greatest irony of love is loving the right person
at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and
finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your
life. And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you
see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just
pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they
will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one
way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend
to fail not because of the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just
that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too
little. As we all know, the heart is the center of the body but it
beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always
right. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love only
to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who
truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Here's a piece of
advice: Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't
enough, and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out
there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.

i have a heavy heart.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

in love at 19

see how my eyes tell this story
of a man and his eternal devotion...

something in the way your voice speaks
as it comforts and uncovers all my needs...

Why?

Seriously, why must i care so much?
Why must i still feel so attached?
Why must i still be so emotional?
I want to be over it.
I want to be over him.
I want to move forward, move on with my life.
So why can't I?

Knowing God is better than knowing answers.

im home!

from the H2O ski trip with Satellite!
I will be blogging about this later. so much was stirred up inside me. i can't wait to share it!

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. They serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be: roommate, neighbor, professor, friend, lover. Even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know in that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you, and at the time they may seem horrible, painful, and unfair. But in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere...safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the successes and downfalls you experience, create who you are. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

Stay close you people with your broken hearts...
Hold tight to the man that stands in front of you
As we move toward the light.

and you can smell the conflict coming.

everyone wants what the can't have, and once they finally have it, we desire more.

to be blunt.

Recently I have been thinking about JH. Recently i have begun to wonder if i did the right thing. (which is just me over thinking things) Or if i walked away to soon. If i had wanted to fix it, if i had continued to pour love into our relationship -would that had been the key? When you love someone do you just give up? Do you just give up on them on your relationship? I don't always have the answers. But now i have to live with the pain.

Some days i get angry, frustrated. But every day i must picture how much Jesus has done for me and remember I am a recipient of His grace. And as i come to understand this, and perhaps mroe importantly, FEEL this, I will be more and more able to extend that kind of grace to others, including JH.

Offering him grace will take some doing, some time, something Holy. It will take all of these things, because he doesn't deserve it, and that is exactly the point.


I want to know why God put him in my life.

until only love remains.

Scenes of you come rushing through You are breaking me down. So break me into pieces That will grow in the ground. I know that I deserve to die For the murder in my heart. So be gentle with me Jesus As you tear me apart.

Please kill the liar, kill the thief in me. You know that I am tired of their cruelty. Breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins Until only love remains.

Teach me to be humble. Call me from the grave. Show me how to walk with you upon the waves Breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins. Until only love remains.

One Step Closer

Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats.
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

"i'm ready to wallow"

sometimes you just need a day where you cry. let all your emotions out and cry. its been over a month. i have been fine, happy. i think its because i have just had distractions. but i haven't dealt with the feelings.

so today, this is me dealing with my feelings.

edit:
while watching must love dog's...
" i have a theory... i think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause thats the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place."

in one week.
i have been told by one boy that we should just be friends and by another boy he isn't ready to be my friend.
gee, aint life terrific...

come alive, stand up on your feet.

count your blessings and earn your keep.

Don't you hate it when things don't go as YOU plan?

i do. but you know what makes me feel better. Knowing i have a father who has an even better plan for me. no one wants to be lonely. it's an awful feeling.

things that have been troubling me.

1.) i lost my best friend last month. i miss him. i miss sharing stories, and laughing, and bike rides, and just being comfortable with him. i love him deeply. i have a big void in my heart with him gone. Each new day God gives me, i feel stronger, but some days i feel completely helpless. alone. angry. sad. i know what happened was for the better, but some days i find it hard to see the better.

2.) drama/gossip/BS. there has been a lot going on lately. i wish i could wipe the slate clean. let tomorrow be a new day, with happiness and smiles. cause he really wants to live with drama? the problem with having a group of friends is there is alwayts someone talking, in a negative way. if it doesn'e help anyone, or build them up, then why share it. i must admit i am guilty of this as well. but i really want to work on it.

thats all for tonight kiddies.

DL

solomon 2:7

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,
by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don't excite love, don't stir it up,
until the time is ripe—and you're ready.

so, am I ready, is now the right time?

...and be gracious.

"If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to."

strength

praying for strength in all areas of my life.

im so blessed with level headed friends who help me with my problems.

2:15

im a mess.
my mind is cluttered.
my heart is heavy.
and i feel weak.

pray.
pray.
pray.

follow your heart; God is leading.

first day of my new job!
FOREVER 21.
yessssss.
ill prob spend more than i make. eeeeek. self control, a little self control.