sticks and stones

it has been the best week ever with my family.
they have been so supportive, so loving, so gracious to me.

the days have been hard, filed with many emotions, and many struggles. its hard for me to establish where the root of my sadness comes from. I think i have pin pointed it. I'm actually staying strong in this department. I don't have many answers, i don't know whats going on in that head, but I'm staying strong and holding my ground, for the first time in well, EVER. i feel free from it. they said they needed time to think, and process. I think I need the same thing.

adam brought this up. helps me keep my chin up....

"Let anyone among you who is without sin, be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7

Wash over me

Since it all started, pain has been washing over me. Like waves. Sometimes the waves are small, almost nothing, other times they're big enough to knock me down. Those are the times I seek distractions. I'll do anything to fill my mind with other things, happier things.

I want new breath and new life. Its not that simple.

Lord, wash over me, cleanse me of this trouble of this pain. Let me into your arms. Keep me close and comfort me.

Tonight we had communion at church. As i took communion all i could think was all of Him giving me strength, Building me up with His body and blood. No longer thirsty or hungry. Into his hands I commit myself. I am a living sacrifice. I became less of myself and more like Him. More of Him. I hope to find the person created in His image. Unique, beautiful and complete even without other people.

"Father, in your hands I commit my spirit."
(Luke 23:46)

calm in the storm

Sometimes it is strange how at peace I am with this.

Welcome to the Church of losers!

If there was such a place I would be going there.

I'm tired of everyone acting like they have it all together. I want to meet real people. I'm tired of illusions that we have perfect lives, perfect families. I'm also tired of myself. Tired of my resentment to open up and bare my soul, tired of avoiding people, tired of my unwillingness to do the Lords will.

I'm tired of hearing "your screwed up, but don't worry we have a support group for that." were all messes. I'm a mess, so why can't we admit that. Why do we spend so much time convincing each other that we're not?

Don't assume that you know it all.

"Good friend, don't forget all I've taught you; take to heart my commands....
Earn a reputation for living well in God's eyes and the eyes of the people....
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all." Proverbs 3: 1,4 & 5-7 (the message)

i'm scared of being hurt. scared out of my mind. i am fearful.

God is love, not God has love or gives love, God is love.

I have been doing a bible study on love. Not human love but Gods' love and the difference between human love and God's love and why we crave to be loved. My whole study was based on the thought 'If we have Gods love, this pure, unconditional, strong love then why do we seek other peoples love. Isn't Gods love enough?' It made me feel like a fool. God's love is everything I need. Its perfect, no one on earth can love me like that. There is nothing I can do that will make God love me less just like there is nothing I can do to make God love me more. He loves me enough already. Its one thing to know God's love, its another to accept it full-heartily and reciprocate Gods love to others. "There is a God-shaped void in the heart of man which can not be filled by anything except God. Nothing less than the patient, kind, unselfish, humble forgiving, unconditional love of God will not suffice or fit." Knowing How much He loves me, really knowing, it makes me want to share it with others. Seeing what a wonderful gift He gives us makes me want to love like Him. Christ exemplified this love When He pushed aside His own personal desires and died on the cross for us.

"It's about undressing our hearts. We have to strip away the layers of expectations, preconceived notions, and fears to experience a passion that will truly move us. When we do, God is free to clothe us with a love that warms out hearts and souls"

The more I grasp Gods love for me the more I want to share love. Gods love is the source of all human love. I see how God made everyone individually with proper imperfections. I see how he created us all in His image and all the wonderful things we are. Seeing my friends in this different light, so to speak, is so awesome. Seeing their talents, their gifts, seeing them the way God made them, imperfect but with so many great things to accomplish. It makes me so happy to have them in my life.

and it starts now

I got accepted to CCBC today. Hearing that lady on the phone tell me congratulations and that I had been accepted was the best feeling ever. I am so very happy. I feel like I am actually going to start my life. Accomplish something for myself and fulfill Gods plan! But then that is when the fear and doubt start to roll in. Although the thought of fulfilling Gods plan and starting my new life in a new town with all new surroundings, that also means I will be leaving Visalia, my comfort, and leaving my friends and family who I love so very much and will miss tremendously. I will be a moving 5 hours away from all that I know. I was born and raised here. My life is here in Visalia, but God is starting a new life a new season in Murrieta. I am so very excited for Him to lead me there and guide me in this new season. I can't wait to be there! But its a bitter sweet feeling. All I have to focus on is His will and His unfailing love.

Alright kid, you have a month, make the best of it.

the end.

I'm excited about tonight, then not so excited.

the end is such a scary place to be.

Lord keep me focused on doing your will. Lead me in this foggy path.

tonight is the end, but tomorrow is the beginning of something new.

It all starts again, in the end.

God with us--Immanuel.

"and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20

"I'll be by your side whenever you fall,
in the dead of night whenever you call.
please don't fight these hands
that are holding you.....my hands are holding you.
i love you, I'll never let you go."

Psalm 51

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
Psalm 51:10-13

Because we are humans we first put our own desires before God's desires for us.
When we ask God to cleanse our heart, our mind and our soul it opens up the chance for Him to really work through us. In all aspects of our life. It draws us nearer to Him, to seek Him. God breaks us so He can heal us, so He can build us up.

Another thing to ponder. There is nothing we can do that will make God love us less. His love is pure, strong and unconditional. No one else on the earth can love me like that.

new season

Jacob took me to at Newport church Sunday night. He has made it his home church while he goes to Vanguard. He was excited to take me. It was a great evening service. The worship team was amazing and got everyone really into it. The people were so nice and friendly! Also, if you looked out the windows of the small church room, you would see Newport beach bay at night with shimmering lights reflecting off the shore. It was beautiful.

The pastor spoke about partnerships. Weather it be in work, school, or relationships. He had a few key things that people do that steer them away from the destiny God gives them in partnerships with others like yesterdays loyalties, other peoples opinions, and fear. It was a great message, and Jacob and I got to talk about it after out at the beach. He took me to Balboa and it was this awesome beach that they called the wedge where the waves crashed really hard on the shore line. Sometimes they crash so hard it shakes the ground. As we talked we both realized that this time apart from each other brought us closer to God. Jacob asked me if I thought God brought us together for our destiny and weather or not I could see ourselves marrying one another. Marriage isn't something i really think about, like most girls who have theres planned already. So to openly discuss marriage with Jacob and to hypothetically use him as my husband was...well, it was nice because I can see myself marrying Jacob. I can see a lot of things i would like in our future. The best part is he shares the same feelings as me. To hear him tell me He could see me as his wife is a great feeling. I think if any other boy were to tell me that i would probably run as far away from them as i could. But not Jacob. And he made an on going joke about how we should just drive to Vegas and hitched right then. We talked about how overall in our relationship we want to glorify God together, we want Christ as then center of our relationship, we don't want other peoples opinions we want Christ's opinion. We aren't worrying about our past relationship, because we don't need to and the way our relationship is right now is drastically different than it was then. We won't let fear hold us back, and we won't put our hope in each other, but in God. The night ended with him singing me a sweet country song. I had a great weekend with him. We got to enjoy each others company and it was great. I can't wait for him to come home. "And whatever you do, weather in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the father through Him." Colossians 3:17

We both have and understand God's love, we want to share our own love the way God shares His with us. When i look as Jacob and see him living i see a man created in God's image. I see his faults and i see the wonderful things he is. I see God's creation.

This is our new season.

we just want to know.

When we go through times of struggle, all we want is to have answers. We are curious.

Even so, Jesus' struggle was intense-more intense than anything we will ever have to face.

What will it take for us to say, "As you will Lord" ?
It takes trust in Gods plan; it takes prayer and obedience.
We all want answers, and to know the plans for our future, but could we handle them if we knew them?

"It is better to know God than know the answers" - Job

I'm content without answers. I'm content letting God lead. I'm content.

i'm in the shop, getting worked on.

In the past few months God has worked on me. He has changed my heart, and my soul. He has rocked me hard. He has broken me, but is picking me up. He has healed me from my past.

"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
(Matthew 26:28)

God gives what others can't.