a little taste of what is on my mind.

My summer is just about gone. I have spent the last three months trying to get over a relationship, among other things. To be honest I don't know how to "get over" someone. Question. How do you fall out of love with someone? Better question, why would you want to? If there was a self help book, I would have purchased it. But there is nothing like that. What it really takes is time, and as sucky as that is to hear, it’s the truth. It takes lots of time, personal healing and prayer. It also helps to gather your closest girl friends and vent with ice cream. You see at the beginning of my summer after two and a half years I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. We were in love; we had a good solid relationship. So what went wrong? Well I ask myself that too some days. At the end of the day I felt God telling me we weren't the ones for each other, and as hard as it was (it took me about two weeks to finally end it all) I felt, well I felt free. But you see the end is such a scary place to be.

But little did I know I would end up falling apart. It has been 3 months of sifting through the memories, the conversations, the sadness, the failure and misunderstanding. It has been 3 months of pain and healing. It has been very hard. I do believe I am getting stronger. I think my heart is healing and it will be even bigger than before. You see I was scared. I was scared to death of ever loving again. Of opening up to someone of being rejected of another failing relationship. I have never been a casual dater. I have not been someone to date for "fun" I date for marriage. I want to find my husband in Gods time. If I have to wait 1, 5, or 10 more years I will, but I know when God does give him to me it will be perfect. I can't wait for that. But should I be fearful? No. Should I guard my heart better? Yes. But fearful, No. Because Love is risky for God too. Every day he is rejected by someone, everyday his heart aches for those who are unsaved. He takes a chance with everyone. If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too. Because love is risky for God too.

"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels. If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels." Rob Bell

If I decided it isn't worth it, that the pain is too much, too much to handle. That I put up a wall around my heart. A wall that keeps everyone at a distance, including God, essentially. I would be setting myself up for failure. Because a decision to not take a chance again, is a decision to not love again. The most important lessons we learn occur in the midst of our pain. It can increase our ability to love deeper and deeper.

"Love is giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, and they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation." Rob Bell

I am not in control. I am giving them the control. Surrendering the desire to control them. It means trusting them. It means trusting God. For me that is really hard. I'm a take action kind of girl. I like to be in control. Something I have been working on is submission. I think I'm a control freak because I like to know what’s going to happen. Because our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. Because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. We expose ourselves, we let them in. But the greater the risk, the more it hurts. To establish a healthy long-term relationship the ingredients are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. However, love isn't real until it comes from the source, God. We all long for that someone. That someone who will accept us and be there for us, but if we would just be still, love would find us. Love always finds us. That is really the true meaning of true love. Romantic relationships don’t complete you they reveal you. Like a mirror for your soul, your boyfriend or girlfriend will reflect all the good and bad traits you already posses.

Also, for us to love completely, we must learn to love the Lord first and others second. That order is critically important.

I let out a huge sigh after writing all this.